If you don’t want to stand in the way of a successful relationship (or be fooled into thinking it’s successful), you should be aware of any hidden relationship motives that you have (as well as those of your partner). Sometimes the desire for a relationship or the attempt to save a relationship hide intentions that have nothing to do with love and partnership. So before you move forward, you might want to analyze the interior motives of yourself and your partner. Here are the four key questions:
- Are you concerned with the other person or only with the externals? Is your partner and his real attributes (virtues, vices, temperaments, dispositions, etc.) at the foreground of your attraction, or is his status, his possessions, or what he represents driving your relationship forward? You might think that what looks and beauty are to men, status and wealth are to women. Try to bracket externals such as social status, special skills (the lead singer of a band is usually a heartthrob!), physical assets, a good job and/or an impressive income. After bracketing all these externals, do you still like him?
- Why do you want this relationship? For love or not to be alone? To distract from problems? In her book “Love Selects” (Wilma Lerchen, Love Selects, Schoenstatt-Verlag, 2009), Wilma Lerchen describes how she desperately wanted to have a certain kind of relationship as a teenager: Her partner wasn’t sure – he wanted to wait, wanted to put her off — but she wanted the relationship so badly that he finally gave in. After a horrifying conclusion to the relationship, Wilma tried to find the reason for her attachment: “At the time, I had a very strained relationship with my parents. There were constant arguments, I felt misunderstood and actually just wanted to get away. If this partnership had come about, it would have been much easier for me to break away. I wouldn’t have had to take my parents’ arguments to heart. I would have had a boyfriend. … A relationship must always look out for the other person first – she or he as a unique, unmistakable person. As soon as other reasons come into play, like my desire to “run away” from my family, you won’t have a good foundation for healthy growth in a partnership.” Well, whether it’s a quarrel at home or something else, it’s good to think about this question very carefully. And as always, an open conversation with a trusted person with real-life experience usually helps.
- What is the relationship about? Is it about passing the time or planning a life together? After all, it is very pleasant to be admired and desired. It can also be very practical: as soon as you want “company”, someone is there. The person in love often eats out of your hand and thinks everything you do, say, and suggest is great. But beware if one of the partners enters into a relationship out of convenience. And those who feel that they are only being kept as “kittens on the sofa” – because no one better is available at the moment – should urgently ask for clarity on their situation.
- Who wants this relationship? You or someone else? Could it be that your friends are more supportive of this relationship than you are? Or your parents? Is someone pressuring you and trying to persuade you into this relationship? Or are you afraid of hurting your friend by saying no and also disappointing friends and family? Would you like to finally have someone – “he doesn’t have to be perfect”? Do you think to yourself: “If I don’t take him, I’d be stupid!” … even if you don’t really feel comfortable with him? Don’t forget: you are free, completely free. Your decision really has to be your decision!
Have you learned something about your relationship motives? Do you need to reassess a relationship you’re in now or look closer at the person who wants a more serious relationship with you? Entering a partnership for life needs a pure reason and hopefully the motive of love. That’s a tall order, I know. But so is mastering life and relationships.
Dr. Gudrun Kugler is the founder of kathTreff, a German-language dating site and partner community of Ave Maria Singles.
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