Americans are all about mission, vision, and goal setting when it comes to career, travel, hobbies and other life plans. So why don’t we put the same amount of effort into searching for a spouse?
One way to tackle this life-changing endeavor is the so-called “partner search” project, as author Dr. Maren R. Stephan calls it. She writes that “Careers are planned, parties are organized, vacations are prepared. But we expect our happiness in love to simply ‘take us by surprise’.”
In the book “Instructions for Love: 100 Practical Tips for More Love in Life,” she contributes a very practical chapter on searching for a partner. Here are the main thoughts:
Step 1: Start the partner search project
The first step, according to Stephan, is the realization that there are some very nice stories of people who fall in love “unexpectedly,” but this is not necessarily the norm, and there is nothing to prevent you from actively looking for a partner.
Plan Your Time and Money: Today, most of us have busy schedules and there are endless ways to spend our money. That being said, we need to deliberately set aside time during the week to meet new people and go out on dates. Additionally, we should set aside money (that we would normally spend on other pursuits) that can be used for dates and romantic outings.
It is important to proceed step by step. You may not meet the right partner on the first date. Mistakes and moments of reassessment are part of this overall project. Use moments of frustration to exercise your patience and trust in God. Also, don’t forget to schedule moments for refueling and prayer; finding a partner shouldn’t be exhausting or overly stressful.
Step 2: Reflect on yourself and your previous relationship experiences
You now have some elements of a plan, but before you start dating, the author recommends a period of reflection to review your expectations and whether they may be unrealistic. You should also honestly reflect on your past relationship experiences.
Try to see if there are certain repeating patterns in your past relationships. These might be recurring mistakes or problems that, with God’s help, you can correct.
“If you become aware of the underlying relationship patterns, they often lose their effect, and you can take active countermeasures”.
Step 3: Find out the type of person you really need
When we imagine the person we would like to have as our partner, we tend to focus only on what we desire. But even if it’s something good, like humor, strong character, someone to talk to… it is just as important to find out what you need emotionally for a relationship to work in the long term. This way you can avoid a lot of mistakes and confusion later.
Many of us are unaware of our deepest expectations, which often only surface during times of conflict. To identify these needs, think about:
What traits or behaviors did you enjoy most in previous relationships and which ones caused the most problems?
It can also be helpful to think about what role models you had in your childhood home, what your parents’ relationship was like, and what aspects of that relationship you would like to adopt or avoid.
It is not uncommon for you to want different things than you may actually need.
Step 4: Become aware of your own worth
For a lasting and successful relationship, it is important that you NOT feel that you must change fundamentally or adapt completely (as opposed to meaningful accommodations and positive changes to make a relationship work).
Learn to accept your weaknesses (while seeking holiness) and love the qualities that make you unique. This way you can present yourself as you really are, and consequently, the person who falls in love with you will embrace your genuine qualities and your authentic uniqueness.
Remember that your worth does not depend on your money, ability, or social status, but comes directly from God.
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Those were the first 4 steps (preparation phase) for a successful partner search. Here are the next 6 steps!
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